Is something going wrong with me? =(

I'm feeling more tired than usual ... sometimes, deep down, I feel like I juz don't wish to go to school anymore. I juz want a break ... a long break ... from teaching. =( Hmmm ... but that used to be my passion ... to go into class and impart knowledge and understanding ... to impact lives. Somehow, perhaps ... not anymore? =( I don't know.

Spoke to Mrs Poh yesterday ... asked if she is gonna conduct some Teachers' Renewal thingy to help stir up my interest and zest again. But hmmm ... I don't think so. How then can I stir myself up again? I dunno. I'm kinda worried. I'm afraid of losing this passion ... and I'd become someone whom I dislike ... a mediocre teacher; one who is lukewarm and cold towards students and teaching. =( Will I become such a person?

And deep down, I don't think it's juz teaching. I'm beginning to lose my zest for life too. =( Somehow, I seem to be losing my focus ... purpose ... direction. Why? And baby ... I don't know if I'm right ... but we were talking about something that day ... and we laughed the matter off. But I think I may be losing it too. =( Feeling lethargic and drained day after day. Although I have rested well each night, I juz don't feel the 'UMPH!' feeling about life I used to have in the past.

I'm doing more reflection these days ... lying on my bed ... before I slip into slumberland ... before i lose my consciousness ... I'd be thinking of my life ... my past ... Life seems to be treating me well. I'm going to be married soon to the love of my life ... I can't ask for anything more ... Savings is increasing ... God has been blessing me with much ... Family is a little quieter nowadays without my brother around ... I do miss him ... Bambi ... Should I keep Bambi ... or should I give her away like what my mum always say ... Why did I get Bambi in the first place ...Am I happier ... I should be ... but ... somehow ... I do feel appreciative about life ... but somehow ... I think something is wrong ... juz can't pin-point that aspect ... maybe I am aging ... faster than I expect ... the male version of the 'menopause' thingy ... or am I sinking into depression ... but why ...

Sigh ... I seem to be getting more negative. The frequency of complains about students seem to be increasing. Can't I see the light anymore? Why aren't the kids motivated? What can I do to help? Juz wrote a note to one student of mine ... asking her a series of questions which I hope she will ask herself. Sigh ... wonder if I will get a complaint from a parent because of that ... hope not ...

One thing I do know ... my God is still faithful and true. When I sing of His love and His faithfulness during services, I know that something deep within me is being stirred.

"I love you, Lord. I do. I may not do the right things all the time ... I may not say the right things all the time ... but I know that I do love you, Jesus. Sigh ... whatever happens to me, Lord, I pray ... please ... don't ever let my heart grow cold ... never ever let me go. I cannot lose you again like I did the last time. Jesus, please show Yourself more real to me each day. I need you ... ever so more right now. I love you, Jesus."