If ... (By Rudyard Kipling)

~~~ If ~~~

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build them up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~~~ Rudyard Kipling ~~~

Are you better off without me baby? =(

1st day at the church camp:

Hearing the voices, the laughters, the cheers when the name "Derong" was mentioned, I knew this was the place; the people must all be inside.

"Should I go in?" I asked myself.
I tried to ... but then pictured the heads of everyone turning to look at who juz entered the room and the awkward silence that could possibly follow. I took a few steps back then decided I had better not intrude the fun everyone was having in the room numbered 6.

Went to sit at the canteen and continued reading the "Walking across the room" book all campers were supposed to read. Hmmm ... all campers. Am i included? Anyway, saw different groups of people walking past me. Probably lunch break I assume. No one stopped by to say "hi" ... no one stopped by to 'settle' me into camp. Thought that was what this camp was all about? Hmmm ... perhaps I wasn't the only one who hasn't finish reading the book ... maybe they were busy ... maybe no one saw me ... maybe they don't feel comfortable with me around ... maybe ...

I closed my book. Walked to my car and turned on the CD before messaging baby. Saw different streams of people walking past my car to the main gate. Going out for lunch I suppose? Everyone's so comfortable with each other. Everyone knows everyone. Where do I fit in? I felt so out of place ... so uncomfortable.
"I'm trying to fit in, God. That's why I'm here. But ... but ..."

I felt like I was a 'Jonah' all of a sudden. I felt so compelled to run away ... to run away and hide ...

Then I saw a familiar figure ... in pink at my rear windscreen mirror. That looks like my ...

=) My smile returned. Reassurance and a sense of security began to surround me.
Baby!!! =) Baby! Baby! Baby!

"Hi Baby! Have Ben called you yet? He's supposed to call you soon."
And proudly, you showed me your two well-built 'body-guards'.

I smiled ... trying to hide my sense of insecurity and discomfort.

It was a good facade.

Seeing baby walking off for lunch with your members, the sense of reassurance and security left me juz as quickly as they came upon me.

"Baby, do you know that I am feeling kinda out-of-place here? Kinda weird don't you think so? Baby, do you think that I am too old for these people? Do you think that I'm the odd one here in the midst of all the youths? Baby, do you know that it's not easy trying to blend in? There are so many of you ... and there is only one of me. Sigh ... maybe you won't understand coz you are very much an extrovert and you are always so sociable and comfortable in any social settings. Why can't I be a little more like you, baby? I'm not as 'tough' and confident as I look, baby. I can be if it is my 'turf' ... but baby, this is a new environment for me. It's difficult, dear..."

Started the engine of my altis, driving slowly past the main gate, and I left. Messaged baby to tell her that I am sorry. As I was driving away, my heart sank. Part of me really had wanted to stay ... but I felt so ... out of place ... juz can't seem to fit in. Cruising along the ECP ... heading no where ... many thoughts and questions running across my mind ... I decided to messaged baby to ask her for directions. "What would you do, baby?"

Then I remembered the words, "Snap out of your comfort zone and Contribute"! Those words came from my Principal's mouth during the Staff Retreat and somehow juz pounced on me as if it was the Holy Spirit speaking directly to me.
"Snap out of your comfort zone and Contribute"!
I bought my burger, ate it along the way, made the U-turn and headed back to camp. What will baby say when she sees me? Will she think that I am an attention-seeking freak with all my going-off-and-coming-back-to-camp nonsense? Sigh ... Does she really understand my struggle? Will she?

Doesn't matter. I'm going back because I made a pact with God that I will listen and obey His leadings. I will snap out of my comfort zone and contribute in whatever I can.

Reached camp (again). Called for Ben and followed him to meet the rest of the members in the group. Shortly after that, he left to do his stuff. Opps ... was alone again in that crowded room numbered 6. I shifted uncomfortably ... trying to look perfectly comfortable and relaxed ... looked at a bunch of people playing with some cards thingy and tried to smile ... nodding my head 'intelligently' from time to time (as if I knew what they were playing). =P Looked around again ... so many people ... there was Joel ... how do I know that? There was a guy wearing a Joel-jersey. He turned and saw me... our eyes met ... he looked away and sat down. Hmmm ... I began to feel unconfortable. Retreated to the speaker blasting at the left hand side of the room. It felt more comfortable here. =) Turned and saw Pastor Calvin. He was on the stage ... our eyes met ... he walked down the stage ... walked towards me ... extended a warm hand-shake and welcomed me into the camp. =)
I smiled ... this time, genuinely. =)

Thanks Pastor. Yep. He may not be THE perfect pastor, but he has won me with a simple gesture ... to walk across the room. He is practising what he has read from the book. Though we didn't converse much ... coz I think he felt a little 'uncomfortable' too as he doesn't know what else to say ... but his walking-across-the-room gesture speaks greater volume than the several video-clips we watched that afternoon.

And there was baby too! =) Coming over and putting her arms around me to welcome me into the camp.
Ahh ... I feel better now, baby. Thanks dear. =)


I shared what I could during the discussion sessions.
"Lord, see? I am contributing! I am. I'm not sure if I'm saying the best of things, but I'm sharing with the Ben, Jeremy, Darren, Sasha, Abigail, Caster, the experiences and struggles I faced as a Christian regarding the aspect of evangelism. Hmm ... they seemed quiet. I tried to help Ben 'gear' things up a bit. But ... they still remained kinda passive ... quiet. Is it because I am speaking out of turn? Am I supposed to juz sit back and wait for someone to call me before I speak? There's so much to share about. Why are they so reserved to share? Is it ... me? Is it ... me that is making everyone else feel uncomfortable to share?
Perhaps ... it is me ..." =(

I turned and took peeks my baby sharing. My heart smiled. =) Baby, keep up the good work! You are doing great! Gear your members up! Prepare them for the 2 days of friendship-evangelism they need to engage themselves in. Teach them the social skills they need, baby. Share with them your experiences. =) I am so happy for you, baby ... to see you investing and leading others in the things of God.

Then I wondered ... you seemed so happy, baby. When you were sharing, discussing and investing in their lives, you seemed so happy. In fact, you ought to be, darling. =) But ... but ... if it weren't for me ... maybe ... juz maybe ... you could be in a higher position of leadership by now ... serving even more actively ... ministering to more lives ... impacting more people, and you would be even happier compared to now.
Oh my Gosh! Have I robbed you of this happiness, baby? Have I?

Are you better off without me in your life, baby? =(

My heart sank.

I left for dinner with the members. I tried to gel with them. Asking questions about them from time to time ... to listen to their stories. But they seemed kindof apprehensive. Hmmm ... is it me again? The only one who seemed most comfortable with me would be Darren I guess. Haha! But he would be comfortable with anyone! But Darren ... O Darren, my boy ... think THRICE before you do any more body peircing and modifications pls! =P =) Hahaha!

After combing the whole entire place about one-and-a-half times, I finally managed to find the Ritter Sport Cornflakes Chocolate baby likes! Amen! Thank God! I almost gave up till I stopped all my personal efforts and decided to pray and seek help from God even with this little thing. =P Thank God that I serve a God who is not only interested in the big things, but He is also a God who is interested in the little things. =) Jesus, You are truly Amazingly Wonderful! =D

As I head back to camp, that sense of ... being out-of-place crept in again. Sigh ... everyone's got everyone. People seated on the ground along the corridoor chatting away ... people seated in circles in the room numbered 6 fellowshiping ... everyone's got everyone. Me? I've got no one but the bag of Ritter Sport Chocolates in my hands. =( Saw Jeremy standing alone along the corridoor. Walked over and chatted a little with him. Is walking across the room such a difficult concept to apply? The people in the Crossover Ministry is many ... but I am but one. Other than my baby ... and Pastor Calvin, is there anyone else that is bold enough to practise this message? If my baby is here right now, she will certainly make me feel comfortable and right at home. =) but ... no ... I can't impose on her ... again. She has her members to take care of.

I think I really should go back now ...
I don't feel belonged here ...
In my heart, I started to back away ...

Decided to leave Jeremy to help Pastor Calvin search for the Corridoor lights. Hey ... I can help contribute in this area ... at least! =P

"Ed ..."
"Nooo ... It's Eunice's hubby"

I heard that.

What followed was a short wave of laughters. They thought I was Ed. They had mistaken me for big Ed I guess. But guess they don't know who I am.
Patrick here. It's good to know me as Eunice's hubby ... but ... hey ... I am Patrick ...

SIgh ... that was it. I'm really out of place. When Jeremy asked about my age today and I told him ('proudly') that I was 31, he is right; I am not a youth anymore. This Crossover Ministry is a youth ministry. I am not a youth anymore.

"Father God, I've tried. Jesus, You know that I have tried. Right? Otherwise, I wouldn't have turned back to camp a second time this afternoon. I can't dance. You know that? I look funny when I dance. But Lord, I tried to join in. Didn't I? During the discussions, I shared the best that I know how. I tried to contribute. But Lord, why can't I fit in? Am I really out of place, Lord? Am I really too old for this generation of Crossover Ministry members?

More importantly, am I a stumbling block to my baby Eunice?
Is she better off without me in her life?"

=(