2nd near-death encounter ...

Tonight ... I nearly died.

If it weren't for the driver pulling his brakes fast enough and swerved in time, I might not be here writing down my innermost thoughts. Perhaps I should say ... if it weren't for God's grace, I might not be alive at this moment ...

I was very hurt when I told you "you show more emotions towards Bambi than towards me when you witnessed my near-death encounter". Because ... somehow ... that was really what I felt. Yes. I might have been lazy ... maybe I might have been complacent and not checked my blind spot ... but why won't you understand that I was so excited when I saw you from my mirror that I just moved the car forward and swerved right to make that u-turn ... Why won't you understand that I also did not want you to walk a farther distance towards where I was because I did not want to tire you ... Why won't you understand that I was juz looking for appreciation for my good intentions and apology that perhaps this near-death encounter could have been avoided if ...

All of a sudden ... it seems like I deserve it since I volunteered to pick you up ... it seems like I was the only one at fault ... I felt something that seemed so familiar ... something familiar that I experienced in my past relationships ... I seemed to be the one who is wrong ... always wrong ... perhaps I am ... perhaps I deserve it ... perhaps ...

I'm lost at this moment.

I feel very sad, baby ...

I feel like crying ... Don't know why ...

But bottom line still doesn't change ... I love you,baby.

Sorry that this special day turned out like this ...

Happy 2nd year anniversary???

From the depth of my heart ... Happy 2nd year anniversary.

Losing it ... But I'm still trying ...

Energy in class is very negative ... How can I help my students? Some part of me wishes to give up ... but some part of me refuses to let go of them. I juz find it difficult I guess ... Is that why I know that Teaching is my call? Perhaps ...

Am trying a different strategy now ... to reach out to small groups ... small in numbers but if they were to stir the class up in a positive manner ... perhaps these little sparks is enough to light the entire class on fire. Got them to understand my point of view ... I hope they understood. I juz want to help them do better in their studies. Is that juz so hard to internalise?

"Jesus ... I've shared your situation with them. Let him who knew no sin casts the first stone. I'm trying to make things better ... but Lord, it's really difficult. I feel so alone sometimes. You must help me through this phase, Lord. I think I am very much affected by everything that is going on."

Is that why I'm treating baby a little coldly yesterday? Sigh ... I dunno. I'm sorry baby. I am troubled by quite a number of things ... Some things are constantly on my mind ... How is my $37 going to last me these 5 days? I don't wish to show that I'm in lack because my God is a God of no lack. And I wish to portray this aspect in my life. Troubles in shool as well. =( And I think I am not as desirable as I used to ... I think I am losing it all ...

"Lord ... I don't wish to lose you too ..."