Deadly Silence ...

Nothing's wrong. Really. Nothing.

I just wanted to know what would you do should this 'Silence' thingy break out again. =(

Nothing. Seems like you could do nothing.

Am I asking for too much? I was just wondering if I could be cheered up ... by you should I feel down someday. =( Seems like you can't. When I'm quiet, you will go quiet as well. Time and again it has happened. Nevermind then. I guess its the same old story all over again. The same me gotta get back into the same boat to stir myself up again.

Sorry baby. I guess it is just not you ... or your nature ... to lighten heavy atmosphere or to inject a spark or life into a gloomy setting. I shouldn't have expected that of you.

I'm ok baby. =) Really. I just wanted to know. That's all.

How to tackle this issue in future? i don't know. Guess I may need to avoid it.

Avoidance ... in my opinion is one of the worst possible solutions (if you can call it one) to solve any problem. But I guess it's still a solution afterall (?). Perhaps. Maybe.

Guess we should not have met today. We weren't ready. I should have guessed that. But I didn't.

Does that mean that I need to be a Jonah every time this whale of awkward silence swallows us up? Does it mean I cannot show you my disappointments/sadness/failures/weakness/negativity? Does it mean that for our relationship to sustain, I have to play my role as a happy, jovial person all the time? Hmmm ... is that really a bad thing? Maybe not.

Sigh ... Dunno why I'm feeling kinda lousy at this present moment. Service has started. Probably Worship session now. But somehow, I just don't wanna go in. I wanna be alone. Hmmm ... Is that what I really want? I wonder ... Neh. Too troublesome to think deep ...

I think I'm tired. Am I?

Have not prepared tomorrow's testimony yet. What can I share? What is there to share?

I guess I can always fall back on His Hands of Grace ... Ya. That's a safe place to fall in ...

"Hello everyone. I'm Patrick. Just wanna share a simple and short story with you all ...

There was once this ordinary guy who seems to live an okay life. Life was good to him. He was brought up in an averagely good family though quarrels and fightings were kinda common from time to time. He was quite popular and well-accepted amongst his friends. However, many people were not aware that he had certain struggles with identity issues in his life. Late in the middle of the night when he cannot sleep, he would often wonder within himself ... "Who am I? What am I living in this world for?" There is this persistent void in his heart that disturbs him ... this emptiness ... Although he could be in a room full of people, he could somehow still feel this loneliness and emptiness. Growing up, he tried to fill this void that was perpetually bugging him ... with music ... competitions ... success ... company of friends ... the thrills of gambling ...

Ya. I am this guy. Because I was having so many different faces with different groups of people, I wasn't exactly sure who the real Patrick was ... or was I all of them. Growing up, I was the outgoing livewire cartoon-like character in the school band ... the rebellious son at home ... the serious and shy boy in my electone classes ... the rowdy student in class ... No. I didn't know who Patrick was.

One day, a friend of mine approached me and talked about God to me. In my life then, I was already struggling with the Who-Am-I issue. How could I possibly have time to deal with another Who-Is-God issue? I rejected everything about this Jesus my friend was talking to me about. But this friend of mine planted this in my heart before our conversation ended ... He told me that for me to truly find out about who I am and the purpose of my existence, I need to first know who Jesus is.

Talking about our existence ... I had someone in my life who asked me about the purpose of my existence. Naturally, I'd say ... to make money. Then the next question was "What next? What happens after you make a lot of money?"

"To start a family".

He then asked "So, what's next?"

"To have a lot of money so that my family can have a good life."

"Good. Then, what's next?"

"To see my children grow up".

"So, what's next?

"To be as healthy as I can be and enjoying life as I grow old."

"That's true. Then, what's next?"

I guess I couldn't answer any of the What's-Next questions after that. Because I really don't know. Do we exist just for self-endulgence and pleasure? I don't know. But deep in my heart, I knew there must be a higher purpose.

Gambling took over a huge part of my life when I grew up. To try fill the emptiness, the thrills of winning by the slightest margin on the casino tables took over. Life was thrilling ... the void seemed to have been filled up ... but only for a very short while ... at a very high price. I lost more than $60000 in a few short years. After the tables are closed ... after everyone's gone home ... after running out of chips ... I had to still face reality ... this time, only emptier.

Two years back, I had a huge car accident at the Pasir Panjang area. My car was knocked to the other side of the road with incoming traffic. I could have died there if it weren't for an act of miracle from God. Every part of the car was damaged except the door at the driver's seat. That was the wake-up call in my life. If it weren't for His Divine intervention, I may not be sitting here today spending this Christmas season with you all. I started going to church and turning back to God after that incident.

With God coming into the picture of my life, the void in my life started to disappear when God's love started to fill my heart. I learnt that there exist a Jesus who loves me for who I am; not for what I can do or cannot do. I learnt that no matter how dark a past or how hideous my sins may be, there is a Jesus who loves me enough to take my punishment upon His back ... He was broken that I may be made whole ... He took sin upon himself that I can become the righteousness of God. I learned that I was made for Him and that He wants to prosper me and to give me a good life and future. The need and urge to gamble at the casino tables died because I no longer found the need to fill any emptiness.

God showed me that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life ... and to make any sense or meaning of life is to have Jesus in your life. I hope that you will find out Who this Life is during this Christmas.

Thank you."

I guess that will be my testimony. =)

6:40pm liaoz. Service is about to end. What is going to happen later? I dunno. But guess I've gotta get back onto my boat and perk myself up. =)

Hope everything goes well tomorrow.

"Lord, anoint me as I share my testimony. Not by my might nor by my power ... but by you, Lord. Through you ... let people be saved and changed. I love you, Lord. And Lord, I love baby Eunice too. I do. Amen."